I'm as Mad as Hell!!

Funny how a speech 32 years ago seems to apply so much today. This is on youtube but it's actually all audio and it's less than 2 minutes. Be patient as it starts off slow but then builds to a wild crescendo. Maybe a little like I feel right now. A great listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7wYtt6NroQ

And, yes, as most of you remember, it's Howard Beale from the movie 'Network'. Enjoy.

Goodbye, George Carlin

Sad too see that one of the fathers of modern humor died yesterday. George Carlin. A truly ground breaking, split-your-gut-laughing comedian who took humor out of the 'Take my wife....please!' phase and into hilarious, witty observations and ponderings.

Below are some of his great one liners. But first let's get this out of the way: His 7 famous words you can't say on tv were: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits

Wait, was that the correct list Mom??


Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.


One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Church Humor

Ok, this is a funny list of both answers given by kids to religious questions and funny entries printed in church bulletins:

Children and the Church
A local church has an attached Primary school, here are some of the children's answers to Bible questions:

Noah's wife was Joan of Ark

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery

The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles

A Christian should only have one wife, this is called monotony

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night

The Lord's followers were called the 12 Decibels

Entries in Church Bulletins

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help

Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends

Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor

Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar

The service will close with "Littler Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice

Finding a phrase or... Dead Cats Bouncing

Ran into a very cool, helpful web site today. It's a British site that list thousands of 'phrases' and describes their meaning and origin. All arranged by the first letter of the phrase and displayed with a separate page for each letter.

What's fascinating is not just looking up unknown phrases, but seeing the staggering list of phrases available. A kind of vast 'menu' to pick from should you ever find yourself with 'phrase block' (a less severe form of 'writer's block')

Here's the Link (though do return):
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/a.html

The majority of phrases are well known and might just invite a look into origin:
'A stitch in time'
'The buck stops here'
'A bird in the hand'

But some phrases I haven't run into like:
'All sixes and sevens'
'Hugger Mugger'
'Sex and Shopping'

And by far the most bizarre phrase:
'Dead Cat Bounce'

Wtf? When I read this one I thought it might be a creepy reference to the feelings that arose when some of my relationships ended. As in:

'Hi, Jim. So, I had a painful breakup with Amy yesterday. Yep, it was a real Dead Cat Bounce. I mean it felt like watching a dead cat fall from the 8th floor and bounce in front of me. Real Bad. Reminds me of breaking up with Jill last year- except that felt more like watching a donkey getting a root canal...'

Anyways... these guys also have a 'phrase thesaurus'. If you enter a concept (e.g. 'difficulty', 'faithfulness', etc) it suggests various phrases that might express it. But, since we all have to eat, this is where they impose a fee. You do get a few tries before having to pay, so it's worth a whirl.

Not surprsingly, their list of customers includes a large number of newspapers and tv stations. Guess we all need a little help from time to time...

Some pics and videos

Throughout the last few years I've collected some funny photos and thought I'd share a few here.

I'm also posting 2 entertaining videos from youtube at the bottom. One is a fascinating morphing video of 'A History of Women in Film'. (Similiar to another well known video of 'A History of Women in Art') The other is a 'Devil Sticks' routine (which is of course a hobby of mine). I doubt I'll ever get to this skill level. But I doubt I'll ever play for the Red Sox either...

The pics:

Here are the 2 youtube videos. (Remember to turn up the volume and set to 'full screen'.)

First, a amazing Devil Sticks routine. If I win the Lotto this guy becomes my teacher at like $1,000/hr:


And here's what 'A History of Women in Film' would look like if you'd taken LSD:

Repo Man & The Buddha

Recently, I found myself having an absolutely unpredictable, unlikely and beneficial email exchange with someone who was the smallest blip possible on my radar.

It started when my friend David and I were chatting about our modern day American 'problems'. And right after- like good guilty Americans- we quickly brought to mind the billions of people around the world who would love to be living our lifestyle. And it quickly reminded us of the funny exchange from the movie 'Repo Man' (1984) between Otto (Emilio Estavez) and his criminal, punk friend Duke (Dick Rude) who lay dying of gunshot wounds after he tried to hold up a liquor store:

Duke: 'The lights are growing dim Otto. I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am.

Otto: 'That's Bullshit! You're a white suburban punk- just like me!'


Duke: 'Yeah, but it still hurts'

So, yeah, no matter what problems Dave and I have we're still just white suburban punks- though perhaps cleaned up, evolved versions thereof... A healthy perspective to maintain. Hell, my visa card could probably sustain the nation of Mali for a month..

(By the way Repo Man is a classic and has stood the test of time. I defy you to rent it and not laugh your ass off.)

Anyway this is where the unpredictable twists and turns start...

So I email Dave back a day later with a mildly entertaining, tongue-in-cheek, 5 paragraph parody of the 'complex psychology' at play in the above Repo Man exchange- hamming it up with scads of analysis revolving around concepts such like Ego protection, spiritual atonement, transpersonal psychology, the subjective capitulating to the objective , self esteem, etc..

And on a total whim- through the magic of google- I decide to look up the character who played Duke (Dick Rude) and found his email address. And on another whim I sent Dick the tongue-in-cheek email I sent to Dave about Duke's last words in Repo Man. And, unexpectedly, Dick wrote back. Intriguing. It was a rather short email about being reminded of Duke all too much and of having to accept that fate and having his life be more similar to Duke's than I might imagine and having no choice but to 'chop the wood carry the water' and all. Take the suffering as it comes. (A bit of a paraphrase on my part.)

So.... never to let a chance go by that has the slightest potential to explore 'the meaning of life', I wrote back to Dick his about how my associating him with the character Duke had reflections of the 3 truths about life that the Buddha talked about:

1) There actually is no 'Self'. A concrete identifiable 'Self' is really an illusion.

2) Everything is Impermanent

3) Life involves suffering- some of it unavoidable and some of it avoidable.

However tenuously constructed I wrote to Dick that these 3 things applied in this situation because I was defining him is a very limited way (No Self), exhibiting no awareness of the impermanence at play since he played Duke 25 years ago and was not taking into account that it might create a bit of suffering for Dick to hear for the zillionth time about playing Duke. Just some pondering about it. (People who don't like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they don't like.)

I like to know these 'lists' of Buddhist wisdom and toss them about (The 4 noble truths, the 8 fold path, the 5 hindrances, etc...) With the hope that doing so will advance me spiritually. But more in the long run. Like, perhaps in my next lifetime...

But they're meant to guide your everyday life by giving you a helpful, real time perspective and guide you in developing a beneficial attitude. Helping you to be happy right now- not later. Alas, it's so easy for such 'truths' to become abstract, intellectual and totally useless. Relegated to the bookshelf and rarely visited. 'Yeah, everything is 'impermanent'. So true. So true. Yep, Yep, Yep. Hey, what's for dinner?

So, really, my reference to these 3 aspects of life in this situation was little more than one of those 'Oh, that's interesting' kinda things.

Then Dick wrote back talking about how he tried to live in a way that acknowledged these 3 Buddhist truths. And he doesn't seem to have any particular experience with the Buddha. He's just 'put one foot in front of the other' and seems to have lived a life full of perspective, acceptance and hard won lessons . I gotta say, his reply turned me into a very humble student. Here's what Dick wrote- taking the 3 truths down off the dusty bookshelf and bringing them alive in everyday experience:

============================
1) No Self, means we get to make mistakes, means we must forgive, means we are human

2) Everything is impermanent means happiness only exists in the moment, which means all the elements for happiness always exist if we make the decision to recognize and embrace it

3) A shorter version of the Suffering equation I live by is, "it is okay to feel the pain but don't indulge it" when I do indulge it I like to take it all the way.

He goes on...

All good stuff. We change when the time is correct and sometimes the catalyst for me is just being bored with identifying with being the dumbshit I can be on any given day.

The never ending quest toward spiritual enlightenment can be summed up in the first frame of my movie called 'QUIT,' which is a quote from Mark Twain - "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a thousand times."
============================

Well said Dick.

By the way, Dick's a writer, producer, director now and has a new movie coming out next year called 'Quit'.

So..... that is how a joke during a phone call between two old friends took the unlikely course of bringing the 3 Buddhist truths a little more live for me...