And then I saw it:
In a 'Da Vinci Code meets The Omen' moment this crooked little phrase 'BAD MEN' jumped out at me like two legos. This is not good I thought. I have an eye for anagrams and I could have plucked out SO many other phrases. (A.M.A. DEN, AMEN, BID ME, etc) Why this one?? And then I wondered if I was like some character in a movie who suddenly gets a sign from above that something's amiss and must now singlehandedly save the world. Could these two upstanding senators be like aliens out to enslave us? Ala 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'- with hopefully better acting? Or, holy shit, maybe they're like the '666' crew from Revelations??
And then came the spooky part. The real spooky part. I noticed the license plate: 2JMW666 You know what my first and last intials are. Now take a little guess at what my middle initial is. Ya.
Boy, I've never taken Acid and gone to a horror movie - but I feel like I have now. The only thing missing in this creepy little moment was fitting music like maybe a quick strum on an out-of-tune harp or the screeching thing from 'Psycho' when Norman Bates turned into... 'Mom' Perhaps others have also spotted the 'BAD MEN' phrase in the bumper sticker- but I doubt it was accompanied by their very own special 'Vanity Plate'. Not even a DMV fee either. Was this God talking to me? Summoning me to spread the word and fight against evil? Or- even worse- was this God telling me that I should go work for the McCain/Palin Campaign??? Something like the scene where Luke Skywalker finds out who 'Dad' is...
'Search your heart, my son- you know you are a Republican!'
'Noooooooooooo.......!'
And then the light turned green and the moment dissolved. But since then every OBAMA/BIDEN bumper sticker is encoded. Freaky. But what to really do? I'm way too lazy to do anything like start like the Organization against Hidden Nonearthly Opposition (aka O.H. N.O.!) or sit in a tree in Berkeley until people listened to me. Soon I was back to buying milk, doing laundry and scouting out chicks (who may someday buy milk and do the laundry too.) So now the dust has settled a bit. And I'm thinking- wait a minute - why don't I see what else I can get out of the letters in the bumper sticker? Why rely on this first read? Why not give OBAMA a chance to tell his side of the story? Why not give the bumper sticker a 'full interview'? So here goes...
I will ask the questions and will only accept answers that contain every single letter of 'OBAMA BIDEN' from the bumper sticker- with no duplications. Each answer containing the same 10 letters. Since I don't sit down with Obama as much as I used to, I will have to do this by 'channeling' him. Ya know- putting myself in a 'trance state' and letting Obama's answers emanate from some strange psychic portal inside me. This severe restriction of the 10 letters will serve as protection against me making up 'sweetheart' answers like 'I Will Find Bigfoot, Cure Cancer And Balance The Budget' or 'We Must Change the Change in the Change that We Change'.
So, here is my interview with Obama with every answer being an anagram of 'OBAMABIDEN'. (NOTE: A bonus Sarah Palin interview follows)
Interview With Barak Obama
Me: Mr Obama, can you start by telling me your overall philosophy?
Obama: Bemoan 'Bad'
Me: Well we all do I guess. But fighting against 'bad' is tough. Do you think you have sufficient experiences in your past to do this? Are you 'bad'?
Obama: Bad Bio. Amen!
Me: What would you say if I told you your Mother doesn't think you're so tough?
Obama: No ma, I be bad!
Me: You know you're just not convincing me here.
Obama: Moan….. I be bad!!!!!
Me: Ok, ok. Now I believe you.
Let's talk foreign policy. It's said that you first agreed with some of Mao's principles but then moved away from him?
Obama: Mao and I… ebb.
Me: Yes, and there's a story that you hit upon a passage in one of Mao's books where you caught him in a lie?
Obama: I nabbed Mao.
Me: Ah, a growth experience for you.
So let's talk about a hypothetical flareup in the Middle East and how you would handle it. What if the Sultan of Oman sent ships to the Gulf of Aden in an aggressive move?
Obama: Be bad Omani
Me: Yes, he sure would be. Senator here is a test of your knowledge- what is the the CIA's profile of the Sultan?
Obama: Bio: a bad man
Me: And what of his tactics?
Obama: Bio: Bad. Mean.
Me: What kind of resources does the Sultan have?
Obama: 'Baba' Monied
Me: Yes he is- and I bet he has more than 40 thieves at his disposal too. So, if he sent his wife on the ship to the Gulf of Aden and she declared herself the queen of the whole Gulf ? What would be your opinion of her?
Obama: A Aden 'Bimbo'
Me: Interesting. So what would you do to address this hypothetical situation in the Gulf?
Obama: I A-bomb Aden
Me: But t that would have horrific consequences!? Possibly triggering global nuclear war!?!?
Obama: A....I.... end A-bomb!
Me: Well that's a relief. So speaking of war, are you personally a good fighter? A good soldier?
Obama: On aim- be bad.
Me: Yes, hitting the target is hard for me too.
Let's move on. So you put on your resume that you have an MBA- however there is no record of this at all. Can you explain that?
Obama: MBA in abode
Me: You got an MBA through a home correspondence course??? Senator that hardly qualifies as a real MBA. What kind of effort is that?
Obama: A-One MBA bid!!
Me: Senator I am really going to push you here. Will you confess right now in front of the American people that- despite what you have hanging on your wall- you do not in fact have a 'real' MBA??
Obama: MBA in…. Adobe
Me: Well at least you've confessed. And, yes, I've heard Adobe Photoshop is the most popular tool used to forge a diploma. So Senator isn't it true that there is nothing whatsoever relating to an MBA in your background?
Obama: ..... I boned an MBA!!
Me: Well that sounds exciting but it wasn't exactly what I meant. Perhaps you can save that story for your Playboy interview. However, now that you've brought up your sex life... is it true that you like to have sex in public places?
Obama: Bam in Abode
Me: I see, only in your house. Then is it true that inside your house you have sex in odd places like the staircase, the laundry room, the kitchen, etc..?
Obama: No, I bam abed
Me: I see, just in bed. But is it only your wife that you have sex with in bed?
Obama: Am bi on a bed.
Me: Wow! That's quite a confession to make the American people just a few weeks before the election! Ok then... um...let's not talk abotu men..let's talk about women. Have you had any affairs with women?
Obama: I babe nomad
Me: I see. You just roam around looking for fun, eh? Is it true that you consider yourself an almost 'godlike' stud?
Obama: Am babe 'Odin'.
Me: Impressive. However, I don't think Odin ever sought the office of the President of the United States amidst his romantic romps.
But let's move on. The nation's infrastructure is sorely in need of rebuilding. What's your philosophy on this?
Obama: No bad I-Beam
Me: Well there certainly are enough of them to replace.
Another item- there are controversial rumors that you think the Mafia might help America in its struggle against terrorism. Is that true??
Obama: Mob be an aid
Me: Senator that's preposterous! Organized crime is a corrupt, violent nonethical institution. And what if I told you only that only 1 % of Americans would vote for you if you maintain this stance??
Obama: Idea: Ban mob!
Me: Yes, I think that's a good idea...
Finally let's talk about the balance of constitutional rights. It's been suggested that Neo-Nazis be prevented from shaving their heads because it elicits fear in others. The ACLU is opposed to this measure. However, Abraham Lincoln once very successfully imposed a somewhat similar restriction during the Civil War. Are you more 'Abe' on this one or more 'ACLU' on this one?
Obama: I'm Abe. Ban 'do'
Me: Thank you Senator. Our chat has been truly enlightening.
So now the Bumper sticker has spoken. And what to make of it? A little wavering and backsliding yet also a man bursting with confidence and certainly exhibiting some... creativity in is style. Perhaps a 'work in progress' more than anything. I feel better now. And the 'BAD MAN' doesn't jump out so much when I see the bumper sticker. Actually lately I'm been picking out the 'AMEN'....
Interview With Sarah Palin
(All answers using letters 'SARAHPALIN')
Me: Sarah, what in general would you say is John McCain's average mood?
Sarah: His par? Anal!
Me: How do you rate his views?
Sarah: His rap? Anal!
Me: Do you have any hard evidence that would indicate he's been unfaithful?
Sarah: Has... 'nap lair'
Me: I see- his naughty little euphemism. So what does he do there right after he's been unfaithful and dishonest to his wife?
Sarah: Liar has nap.
Me: Well all of this is rather disturbing to say the least.
Let's move on though. What causes you to be so feisty and combative?
Sarah: Hi anal spar
Me: Well, actually it's called a 'Spur'. And it's 'High' not 'Hi'. And, by the way, they do have medical procedures to remove them now.
But let's talk about your faith. How would you characterize the Church you belong to?
Sarah: Parish anal.
Me: Hmmm.. there seems to be quite the theme here. So tell what's the one thing that struck you the most when you left Alaska for the first time just few months ago?
Sarah: 'Saharan Lip'
Me: Yes, that nagging condition happens in the hotter dryer climates. Can I suggest you use some lip gloss? Now let's discuss your stands on Foreign Policy....
Sarah: Ya know what? Screw you! And I don't have to answer these questions using only the letters in my name!! ! Because I'm a 'MAVERICK'!!! A-B-C-D-E--G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z! Take that!!!
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