Leave it to my friend Tara's dogs to bring some much needed levity to these hard times. Happy New Year..
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Christmas Doggies
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Leave it to my friend Tara's dogs to bring some much needed levity to these hard times. Happy New Year.
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Leave it to my friend Tara's dogs to bring some much needed levity to these hard times. Happy New Year..
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Happy Thanksgiving- but you have now been warned...
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Ah, Thanksgiving... A warm, wonderful, festive occasion. Eating tasty food, imbibing in spirits to your heart's content, catching up with family and friends, losing money by foolishly taking the Detroit Lions and the points (yet again). But, just like your senior prom, Thanksgiving also has the potential to turn into a disaster for those who party too carelessly, speak too boldly and don't watch their backs and relatives. And I ain't even talking about DUIs and all that.
I want to help you avoid a day like this. But I won't offer up a list of DOs and DONTs for the dinner table, the game room, the liquor cabinet or even the gun rack. Instead, I will scare you by showing you an obscure Magazine that chronicles Thanksgiving horror stories- serving up a shocking menu of all that can go terribly wrong soon after Grandpa Joe says 'Grace'. I'm showing you this because I love you and I want you to learn from this because I don't want you to be the 'feature story' in next year's edition...
So when you've sufficiently steeled yourself, click on the below link for a sobering reminder of just how far unvarnished familial dysfunctionality can go on this day of giving thanks. So that on Thursday you can conduct yourself wisely...
http://home.comcast.net/~john458/
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Ah, Thanksgiving... A warm, wonderful, festive occasion. Eating tasty food, imbibing in spirits to your heart's content, catching up with family and friends, losing money by foolishly taking the Detroit Lions and the points (yet again). But, just like your senior prom, Thanksgiving also has the potential to turn into a disaster for those who party too carelessly, speak too boldly and don't watch their backs and relatives. And I ain't even talking about DUIs and all that.
I want to help you avoid a day like this. But I won't offer up a list of DOs and DONTs for the dinner table, the game room, the liquor cabinet or even the gun rack. Instead, I will scare you by showing you an obscure Magazine that chronicles Thanksgiving horror stories- serving up a shocking menu of all that can go terribly wrong soon after Grandpa Joe says 'Grace'. I'm showing you this because I love you and I want you to learn from this because I don't want you to be the 'feature story' in next year's edition...
So when you've sufficiently steeled yourself, click on the below link for a sobering reminder of just how far unvarnished familial dysfunctionality can go on this day of giving thanks. So that on Thursday you can conduct yourself wisely...
http://home.comcast.net/~john458/
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A Dot on the Horizon- World War I
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Try as we might, it is inevitable that events once genuinely alive for us become relegated to mere blips on the historical timeline, embellished with a few highlights in our memories. We simply can't hold every turn of history close to our breast, however tragic or significant it may be. Everything eventually fades in importance; like a ship sailing out to sea, becoming steadily smaller, fading to the tiniest dot and disappearing below the horizon.
World War One ended 90 years ago today. And, in one sense, it has now become that 'tiniest dot'. The facts are well known: Trench warfare, horrific pain, senseless death, lives destroyed, families ripped apart, Verdun, The Marne, The Western Front. The Stench. 40 Million Casualties. 20 Million Deaths. There was a time when some of us heard first hand stories about all this, when some of us knew someone who had served in the war.
But on this 'Armistice Day' only one American veteran of World War One still lives. One last living echo. One last 'tiny dot'. He is Frank Buckles from Charleston, West Virginia who is 107 years old. A man who made it out alive and went on to live 90 years longer than his buddies who died. What sobering perspective this provides in understanding the potential that was lost each time another young soldier fell in this wretched conflict. 90 more years.
Here is the last 'tiny dot on the horizon' of World War One in The States:
And if you cross the pond, 3 more frail Brits still survive from the Great War. None more revered than 112-year-old Henry Allingham who tried so hard to struggle out of his wheelchair to lay a wreath on London's Cenotaph Memorial in front of the crowds today- but just couldn't summon the strength. Cheers, Henry:
We naturally bring our deepest feelings to the modern conflicts which touch us more directly. But World War One now affords ample distance to feel its wider, albeit less personal, sweep- the longer term consequences and the what-might-have-beens.
Consider this: Below is the grave of a man named Wilson Kettle from Newfoundland, Canada. You may think I've included the photo to accompany some tragic World War One story, but I have no knowledge that he served there. Actually, his story is much more about fruition than it is about death. Because when Wilson Kettle died in 1963 he held the world record for having the most living descendants: 582. That's 582 people who would not have lived had his young life been taken in a war. Now, 45 years after his death, those 582 must have ballooned into thousands.
With the potential for descendants in numbers such as that, and with the very existence of so many others teetering in the balance, it makes you wonder: How many lives turned upon the fate of the men in this below WW1 picture?
And was there someone analogous to 'Wilson Kettle' in the below group who was killed in battle and never lived to see hundreds of descendants grow up and, well, even exist?
What acorns were crushed then that would have been Oak Trees now? It's the question itself that matters the most- how it brings pause, awareness and compassion.
As for me, this is far less speculative. You would not even be reading this if the gravestone of one WW1 soldier named 'Harry Taylor' in Arlington National Cemetery was inscribed with 'Died 1918' instead of 'Died 1956'. Of that I am most grateful.
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Try as we might, it is inevitable that events once genuinely alive for us become relegated to mere blips on the historical timeline, embellished with a few highlights in our memories. We simply can't hold every turn of history close to our breast, however tragic or significant it may be. Everything eventually fades in importance; like a ship sailing out to sea, becoming steadily smaller, fading to the tiniest dot and disappearing below the horizon.
World War One ended 90 years ago today. And, in one sense, it has now become that 'tiniest dot'. The facts are well known: Trench warfare, horrific pain, senseless death, lives destroyed, families ripped apart, Verdun, The Marne, The Western Front. The Stench. 40 Million Casualties. 20 Million Deaths. There was a time when some of us heard first hand stories about all this, when some of us knew someone who had served in the war.
But on this 'Armistice Day' only one American veteran of World War One still lives. One last living echo. One last 'tiny dot'. He is Frank Buckles from Charleston, West Virginia who is 107 years old. A man who made it out alive and went on to live 90 years longer than his buddies who died. What sobering perspective this provides in understanding the potential that was lost each time another young soldier fell in this wretched conflict. 90 more years.
Here is the last 'tiny dot on the horizon' of World War One in The States:
And if you cross the pond, 3 more frail Brits still survive from the Great War. None more revered than 112-year-old Henry Allingham who tried so hard to struggle out of his wheelchair to lay a wreath on London's Cenotaph Memorial in front of the crowds today- but just couldn't summon the strength. Cheers, Henry:
We naturally bring our deepest feelings to the modern conflicts which touch us more directly. But World War One now affords ample distance to feel its wider, albeit less personal, sweep- the longer term consequences and the what-might-have-beens.
Consider this: Below is the grave of a man named Wilson Kettle from Newfoundland, Canada. You may think I've included the photo to accompany some tragic World War One story, but I have no knowledge that he served there. Actually, his story is much more about fruition than it is about death. Because when Wilson Kettle died in 1963 he held the world record for having the most living descendants: 582. That's 582 people who would not have lived had his young life been taken in a war. Now, 45 years after his death, those 582 must have ballooned into thousands.
With the potential for descendants in numbers such as that, and with the very existence of so many others teetering in the balance, it makes you wonder: How many lives turned upon the fate of the men in this below WW1 picture?
And was there someone analogous to 'Wilson Kettle' in the below group who was killed in battle and never lived to see hundreds of descendants grow up and, well, even exist?
What acorns were crushed then that would have been Oak Trees now? It's the question itself that matters the most- how it brings pause, awareness and compassion.
As for me, this is far less speculative. You would not even be reading this if the gravestone of one WW1 soldier named 'Harry Taylor' in Arlington National Cemetery was inscribed with 'Died 1918' instead of 'Died 1956'. Of that I am most grateful.
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Boy, Have I Got a Proposition for You...
Ah, it’s election time in California again. Time to bone up on all the pivotal issues in preparation for the big visit to the voting booth. This is actually quite an entertaining process here- the centerpiece of this folly being the slew of ‘Propositions’ on our ballot which are often either supported or opposed with laughable arguments and hysterical proclamations of disastrous consequences. Luckily it’s all conveniently laid out for us in the infamous ‘California Voter Information Guide’. The term ‘guide’ should be interpreted loosely here. This booklet is a ‘guide’ to rational political discourse just like hardcore pornography is a ‘guide’ to biology.
Come to think of it, there is this vague sense that you’re looking at porn when you read it. Except the plot seems a little more complex than, you know, the button coincidentally popping off the milkman’s pants just as the housewife leans down to pick up a potholder from the kitchen floor. I actually keep my old Voter Guides under my bed and and sometimes read them by flashlight late at night.
Below are a few of the Propositions on this year’s ballot and the arguments both 'FOR' and 'AGAINST' them. Before reading these, however, let me tell you 2 things:
1) A proposition can bear ANY title, regardless of how applicable that title is to the actual content. For instance, Proposition Q was named ‘The Free Oral Sex for All Act’ but the text only mentioned paying for a $10 million house for a friend of the Governor’s. I'm not sure that such deception is necessarily a bad thing though. I mean, it’s the law and I’m not a criminal so I therefore support it because I’m an American. Besides, I still think they might deliver on the ‘Free Oral Sex’ part once the $10 million house is purchased. Maybe that’s where you go to get the ‘Free Oral Sex’??
2) The criteria for who can write a ‘FOR’ or ‘AGAINST’ argument in the Voter Guide does not exist. At all. I mean it. You don’t even have to be literate since many of the contributors simply dictate their profound thoughts to friends who know how to write. I know you’re gonna ask: ‘Even Charles Manson’? Yep. Matter of fact he’s making last minute changes to his Proposition to ease gun control right now.
Without further ado, here is a taste of our ‘California Voter Information Guide’…
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Proposition B: The Child Protection Act
Text of Proposition B: The Organization known as ‘The Boy Scouts of America’ will heretofore be disbanded and cease all current activities.
Argument in favor if Proposition B:
VOTE YES ON B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAN THE BOY SCOUTS!! THEY ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN THAT IT’S OK FOR MALES TO ‘TAKE TRIPS' TOGETHER AND EVEN ‘SLEEP TOGETHER’ !! IN LARGE GROUPS!!! DOESN’T THIS REMIND YOU OF THE RAMPANT GAY SEX CLUBS OF THE 1970S??? THE BOY SCOUTS HAND OUT DEADLY WEAPONS CALLED ‘SWISS ARMY KNIVES’ TO OUR 10 YEAR OLD BOYS!!! IS GANG VIOLENCE NOT FAR BEHIND??? THEY ALREADY HAVE UNIFORMS- WHICH ARE DECEPTIVELY MADE TO LOOK LIKE OUR PARK RANGERS!!! AND THESE BOYS ARE ALREADY BEING GIVEN ‘MERIT BADGES’. SURE, THE ‘MERIT BADGES’ ARE JUST FOR SHOE OILING AND HARMONICA PLAYING RIGHT NOW- BUT WILL WE SEE ‘MERIT BADGES’ FOR SUICIDE BOMBINGS BEFORE TOO LONG??? AND WILL WE STAND IDLLY BY AND LET SWITZERLAND GO AHEAD WITH WHATEVER SICK, VIOLENT AIMS THEY APPARENTLY HAVE FOR OUR CHILDREN?? NO !! AL QUAEDA HAS TAUGHT US THAT LESSON!! SAVE OUR CHILDREN AND SAVE AMERICA BY VOTING ‘YES’ ON ‘B’!!
Fred Stutzman
(President of Citizens for Citizens)
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Argument against Proposition B:
First, I am a Scoutmaster accused of fondling 43 of the boys. This is NOT true! If you want to help me with my legal expenses please make a contribution at www.ScoutMasterRickIsInnocent.com. Second, this proposition is completely funded by the Girl Scouts who want to wipe out the Boy Scouts and then reestablish them as a division of their own organization! They did it to the Cub Scouts right after they drove the Campfire Girls out of business- and now they are trying to do it to us! Orion is in the southeastern sky tonight- I wish I could show it to Tommy & Billy. And Dickie. And Jimmie and Joey. And also Kenny.
Scoutmaster Rick Woodman
Pelican Bay State Penitentiary
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Proposition C: The Stop the Cruel Torture of Cute, Innocent Rabbits Act
Text of Proposition C: Automobiles will no longer be allowed on our roads
Argument in favor of Proposition C:
Automobiles mean crime. Statistics show that 45,945 bank robbers, kidnappers, counterfeiters and teenage boys vandalizing mailboxes at night used automobiles to commit their crimes last year. Moreover, automobiles are reported to be involved in a staggering 100% of ‘drive-by’ shootings. But nowhere is the automobile/crime connection more evident than in the area of accordion theft- which has risen an alarming 876% since 1973. Also, do you realize that our daughters are being introduced to ‘adult sex’ at ages as young as 16 in the backseats of automobiles? This is not even under the guidance of responsible adults- but is being done by boys who are also 16 years old and who are also, technically, being molested in the backseat of the car by the 16 year old girls at the same time even if they both say they like it. So the problem is already twice as bad. My daughter, however, was not one of these girls. When will we admit that automobiles are havens of crime and irresponsibility and need to be eliminated from our society? The automobile must go. Vote ‘yes’ on C.
Glenda Schnecklemen
Modesto, CA
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Argument against Proposition C:
Hey lady, you’re wrong- I banged your daughter in the backseat of my Camaro!
Billy Mumbermen
16 years old, Modesto, CA
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Proposition D: $100 Billion Fiscal Fiduciary Bond funding for Methamphetamine Addict Dental Work, Alpine County Elementary School Parking Lot Re-Striping, State Park Urinal Testing, Aid For Armenia, Alimony Supplementation for Gay Divorced Alcoholic Nuns with Children Below 10 Years Old, Relocating the 13 Stubborn Beavers Who Keep Damming Up The Fucking North Fork Of The Tuolumne River Just South Of Lumpville, Rural Highways Beautification Act.
Text of proposition D: (To save money we have decided not to print the whopping 103 pages of text for this Proposition because the only guy who actually read these long, impenetrable things died last year.)
Argument in favor of Proposition D:
We need this Proposition to give just a little help to the humble people like myself who are just scraping by.
T. Boone Pickens
(President of Citizens against the Establishment)
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Argument against Proposition D:
DON’T BE FOOLED!!! THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS!! Remember the ‘Naysayers’ who were against the folks who wanted to say NO to the YES VOTE on Proposition L which would KNOCK DOWN the fight against the passage of Proposition P and therefore trigger a new VOTE in the fight to overturn Proposition T? They’re back! Let’s say NO to those ‘YES MEN’ who think they can trick us into agreeing to fight against the ‘NO’ VOTE on Proposition B and send the opponents of this measure back to the ‘YES on Proposition G’ crowd who only want to TEAR DOWN the effort to appeal the overturning of Proposition W. Remember: A ‘YES’ means a ‘NO’ if the ‘NO’ is a ‘NO’ to a ‘YES’ that the 'YES' was saying 'NO' to! The situation is crystal clear. No on Proposition 'D!'
Jonathan Strickman
(President California Chapter of M.E.N.S.A.)
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Proposition E: The Aid for Moldova and not Armenia , Urban Renewal, Gay Pride, Save Fred’s Donut Shop, Name a Muni Bus after Jerry Garcia Act.
Text of Proposition E: This Proposition will be null and void should Proposition D and Proposition G or only Proposition J be passed, except if Proposition L gets more votes than Proposition M in counties with populations above 150,000 that start with the letter ‘R’.
The source or this Proposition is unknown and no arguments have been filed for or against it
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Proposition F: The Let’s Stop All These Propositions Act.
Note: No vote is required here since Proposition F will nullify itself if it passes and will also nullify itself if it doesn't pass. Come to think of it- why are we even telling you this? Never mind.
Down the Rabbit Hole: OBAMA/BIDEN
So there I am in my rental car (after a deer callously ruined my car) waiting at a red light and staring aimlessly at the car in front of me. One of those humdrum moments where there's not much else to do except look at anything that's... anything. Like so many other cars, this one sported an 'OBAMA /BIDEN' bumper sticker and my eyes just naturally fell upon it. No big deal. It wasn't even accompanied by a slogan or anything. No inflammatory catch phrase like 'Because the Republicans Fucked Us!' or something. Just the two names. Not too interesting. Yep that's the 2 guys on the ticket. Yep. Yep. Yep. Obama and Biden.
And then I saw it:
In a 'Da Vinci Code meets The Omen' moment this crooked little phrase 'BAD MEN' jumped out at me like two legos. This is not good I thought. I have an eye for anagrams and I could have plucked out SO many other phrases. (A.M.A. DEN, AMEN, BID ME, etc) Why this one?? And then I wondered if I was like some character in a movie who suddenly gets a sign from above that something's amiss and must now singlehandedly save the world. Could these two upstanding senators be like aliens out to enslave us? Ala 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'- with hopefully better acting? Or, holy shit, maybe they're like the '666' crew from Revelations??
And then came the spooky part. The real spooky part. I noticed the license plate: 2JMW666 You know what my first and last intials are. Now take a little guess at what my middle initial is. Ya.
Boy, I've never taken Acid and gone to a horror movie - but I feel like I have now. The only thing missing in this creepy little moment was fitting music like maybe a quick strum on an out-of-tune harp or the screeching thing from 'Psycho' when Norman Bates turned into... 'Mom' Perhaps others have also spotted the 'BAD MEN' phrase in the bumper sticker- but I doubt it was accompanied by their very own special 'Vanity Plate'. Not even a DMV fee either. Was this God talking to me? Summoning me to spread the word and fight against evil? Or- even worse- was this God telling me that I should go work for the McCain/Palin Campaign??? Something like the scene where Luke Skywalker finds out who 'Dad' is...
'Search your heart, my son- you know you are a Republican!'
'Noooooooooooo.......!'
And then the light turned green and the moment dissolved. But since then every OBAMA/BIDEN bumper sticker is encoded. Freaky. But what to really do? I'm way too lazy to do anything like start like the Organization against Hidden Nonearthly Opposition (aka O.H. N.O.!) or sit in a tree in Berkeley until people listened to me. Soon I was back to buying milk, doing laundry and scouting out chicks (who may someday buy milk and do the laundry too.) So now the dust has settled a bit. And I'm thinking- wait a minute - why don't I see what else I can get out of the letters in the bumper sticker? Why rely on this first read? Why not give OBAMA a chance to tell his side of the story? Why not give the bumper sticker a 'full interview'? So here goes...
I will ask the questions and will only accept answers that contain every single letter of 'OBAMA BIDEN' from the bumper sticker- with no duplications. Each answer containing the same 10 letters. Since I don't sit down with Obama as much as I used to, I will have to do this by 'channeling' him. Ya know- putting myself in a 'trance state' and letting Obama's answers emanate from some strange psychic portal inside me. This severe restriction of the 10 letters will serve as protection against me making up 'sweetheart' answers like 'I Will Find Bigfoot, Cure Cancer And Balance The Budget' or 'We Must Change the Change in the Change that We Change'.
So, here is my interview with Obama with every answer being an anagram of 'OBAMABIDEN'. (NOTE: A bonus Sarah Palin interview follows)
Interview With Barak Obama
Me: Mr Obama, can you start by telling me your overall philosophy?
Obama: Bemoan 'Bad'
Me: Well we all do I guess. But fighting against 'bad' is tough. Do you think you have sufficient experiences in your past to do this? Are you 'bad'?
Obama: Bad Bio. Amen!
Me: What would you say if I told you your Mother doesn't think you're so tough?
Obama: No ma, I be bad!
Me: You know you're just not convincing me here.
Me: Ok, ok. Now I believe you.
Let's talk foreign policy. It's said that you first agreed with some of Mao's principles but then moved away from him?
Obama: Mao and I… ebb.
Me: Yes, and there's a story that you hit upon a passage in one of Mao's books where you caught him in a lie?
Obama: I nabbed Mao.
Me: Ah, a growth experience for you.
So let's talk about a hypothetical flareup in the Middle East and how you would handle it. What if the Sultan of Oman sent ships to the Gulf of Aden in an aggressive move?
Obama: Be bad Omani
Me: Yes, he sure would be. Senator here is a test of your knowledge- what is the the CIA's profile of the Sultan?
Me: And what of his tactics?
Obama: Bio: Bad. Mean.
Me: What kind of resources does the Sultan have?
Obama: 'Baba' Monied
Me: Yes he is- and I bet he has more than 40 thieves at his disposal too. So, if he sent his wife on the ship to the Gulf of Aden and she declared herself the queen of the whole Gulf ? What would be your opinion of her?
Obama: A Aden 'Bimbo'
Me: Interesting. So what would you do to address this hypothetical situation in the Gulf?
Obama: I A-bomb Aden
Me: But t that would have horrific consequences!? Possibly triggering global nuclear war!?!?
Obama: A....I.... end A-bomb!
Me: Well that's a relief. So speaking of war, are you personally a good fighter? A good soldier?
Obama: On aim- be bad.
Me: Yes, hitting the target is hard for me too.
Let's move on. So you put on your resume that you have an MBA- however there is no record of this at all. Can you explain that?
Obama: MBA in abode
Me: You got an MBA through a home correspondence course??? Senator that hardly qualifies as a real MBA. What kind of effort is that?
Obama: A-One MBA bid!!
Me: Senator I am really going to push you here. Will you confess right now in front of the American people that- despite what you have hanging on your wall- you do not in fact have a 'real' MBA??
Obama: MBA in…. Adobe
Me: Well at least you've confessed. And, yes, I've heard Adobe Photoshop is the most popular tool used to forge a diploma. So Senator isn't it true that there is nothing whatsoever relating to an MBA in your background?
Obama: ..... I boned an MBA!!
Me: Well that sounds exciting but it wasn't exactly what I meant. Perhaps you can save that story for your Playboy interview. However, now that you've brought up your sex life... is it true that you like to have sex in public places?
Obama: Bam in Abode
Me: I see, only in your house. Then is it true that inside your house you have sex in odd places like the staircase, the laundry room, the kitchen, etc..?
Obama: No, I bam abed
Me: I see, just in bed. But is it only your wife that you have sex with in bed?
Obama: Am bi on a bed.
Me: Wow! That's quite a confession to make the American people just a few weeks before the election! Ok then... um...let's not talk abotu men..let's talk about women. Have you had any affairs with women?
Obama: I babe nomad
Me: I see. You just roam around looking for fun, eh? Is it true that you consider yourself an almost 'godlike' stud?
Obama: Am babe 'Odin'.
Me: Impressive. However, I don't think Odin ever sought the office of the President of the United States amidst his romantic romps.
But let's move on. The nation's infrastructure is sorely in need of rebuilding. What's your philosophy on this?
Obama: No bad I-Beam
Me: Well there certainly are enough of them to replace.
Another item- there are controversial rumors that you think the Mafia might help America in its struggle against terrorism. Is that true??
Obama: Mob be an aid
Me: Senator that's preposterous! Organized crime is a corrupt, violent nonethical institution. And what if I told you only that only 1 % of Americans would vote for you if you maintain this stance??
Obama: Idea: Ban mob!
Me: Yes, I think that's a good idea...
Finally let's talk about the balance of constitutional rights. It's been suggested that Neo-Nazis be prevented from shaving their heads because it elicits fear in others. The ACLU is opposed to this measure. However, Abraham Lincoln once very successfully imposed a somewhat similar restriction during the Civil War. Are you more 'Abe' on this one or more 'ACLU' on this one?
Obama: I'm Abe. Ban 'do'
Me: Thank you Senator. Our chat has been truly enlightening.
So now the Bumper sticker has spoken. And what to make of it? A little wavering and backsliding yet also a man bursting with confidence and certainly exhibiting some... creativity in is style. Perhaps a 'work in progress' more than anything. I feel better now. And the 'BAD MAN' doesn't jump out so much when I see the bumper sticker. Actually lately I'm been picking out the 'AMEN'....
Interview With Sarah Palin
(All answers using letters 'SARAHPALIN')
Me: Sarah, what in general would you say is John McCain's average mood?
Sarah: His par? Anal!
Me: How do you rate his views?
Me: Do you have any hard evidence that would indicate he's been unfaithful?
Sarah: Has... 'nap lair'
Me: I see- his naughty little euphemism. So what does he do there right after he's been unfaithful and dishonest to his wife?
Sarah: Liar has nap.
Me: Well all of this is rather disturbing to say the least.
Let's move on though. What causes you to be so feisty and combative?
Sarah: Hi anal spar
Me: Well, actually it's called a 'Spur'. And it's 'High' not 'Hi'. And, by the way, they do have medical procedures to remove them now.
But let's talk about your faith. How would you characterize the Church you belong to?
Sarah: Parish anal.
Me: Hmmm.. there seems to be quite the theme here. So tell what's the one thing that struck you the most when you left Alaska for the first time just few months ago?
Sarah: 'Saharan Lip'
Me: Yes, that nagging condition happens in the hotter dryer climates. Can I suggest you use some lip gloss? Now let's discuss your stands on Foreign Policy....
Sarah: Ya know what? Screw you! And I don't have to answer these questions using only the letters in my name!! ! Because I'm a 'MAVERICK'!!! A-B-C-D-E--G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z! Take that!!!
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And then I saw it:
In a 'Da Vinci Code meets The Omen' moment this crooked little phrase 'BAD MEN' jumped out at me like two legos. This is not good I thought. I have an eye for anagrams and I could have plucked out SO many other phrases. (A.M.A. DEN, AMEN, BID ME, etc) Why this one?? And then I wondered if I was like some character in a movie who suddenly gets a sign from above that something's amiss and must now singlehandedly save the world. Could these two upstanding senators be like aliens out to enslave us? Ala 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'- with hopefully better acting? Or, holy shit, maybe they're like the '666' crew from Revelations??
And then came the spooky part. The real spooky part. I noticed the license plate: 2JMW666 You know what my first and last intials are. Now take a little guess at what my middle initial is. Ya.
Boy, I've never taken Acid and gone to a horror movie - but I feel like I have now. The only thing missing in this creepy little moment was fitting music like maybe a quick strum on an out-of-tune harp or the screeching thing from 'Psycho' when Norman Bates turned into... 'Mom' Perhaps others have also spotted the 'BAD MEN' phrase in the bumper sticker- but I doubt it was accompanied by their very own special 'Vanity Plate'. Not even a DMV fee either. Was this God talking to me? Summoning me to spread the word and fight against evil? Or- even worse- was this God telling me that I should go work for the McCain/Palin Campaign??? Something like the scene where Luke Skywalker finds out who 'Dad' is...
'Search your heart, my son- you know you are a Republican!'
'Noooooooooooo.......!'
And then the light turned green and the moment dissolved. But since then every OBAMA/BIDEN bumper sticker is encoded. Freaky. But what to really do? I'm way too lazy to do anything like start like the Organization against Hidden Nonearthly Opposition (aka O.H. N.O.!) or sit in a tree in Berkeley until people listened to me. Soon I was back to buying milk, doing laundry and scouting out chicks (who may someday buy milk and do the laundry too.) So now the dust has settled a bit. And I'm thinking- wait a minute - why don't I see what else I can get out of the letters in the bumper sticker? Why rely on this first read? Why not give OBAMA a chance to tell his side of the story? Why not give the bumper sticker a 'full interview'? So here goes...
I will ask the questions and will only accept answers that contain every single letter of 'OBAMA BIDEN' from the bumper sticker- with no duplications. Each answer containing the same 10 letters. Since I don't sit down with Obama as much as I used to, I will have to do this by 'channeling' him. Ya know- putting myself in a 'trance state' and letting Obama's answers emanate from some strange psychic portal inside me. This severe restriction of the 10 letters will serve as protection against me making up 'sweetheart' answers like 'I Will Find Bigfoot, Cure Cancer And Balance The Budget' or 'We Must Change the Change in the Change that We Change'.
So, here is my interview with Obama with every answer being an anagram of 'OBAMABIDEN'. (NOTE: A bonus Sarah Palin interview follows)
Interview With Barak Obama
Me: Mr Obama, can you start by telling me your overall philosophy?
Obama: Bemoan 'Bad'
Me: Well we all do I guess. But fighting against 'bad' is tough. Do you think you have sufficient experiences in your past to do this? Are you 'bad'?
Obama: Bad Bio. Amen!
Me: What would you say if I told you your Mother doesn't think you're so tough?
Obama: No ma, I be bad!
Me: You know you're just not convincing me here.
Obama: Moan….. I be bad!!!!!
Me: Ok, ok. Now I believe you.
Let's talk foreign policy. It's said that you first agreed with some of Mao's principles but then moved away from him?
Obama: Mao and I… ebb.
Me: Yes, and there's a story that you hit upon a passage in one of Mao's books where you caught him in a lie?
Obama: I nabbed Mao.
Me: Ah, a growth experience for you.
So let's talk about a hypothetical flareup in the Middle East and how you would handle it. What if the Sultan of Oman sent ships to the Gulf of Aden in an aggressive move?
Obama: Be bad Omani
Me: Yes, he sure would be. Senator here is a test of your knowledge- what is the the CIA's profile of the Sultan?
Obama: Bio: a bad man
Me: And what of his tactics?
Obama: Bio: Bad. Mean.
Me: What kind of resources does the Sultan have?
Obama: 'Baba' Monied
Me: Yes he is- and I bet he has more than 40 thieves at his disposal too. So, if he sent his wife on the ship to the Gulf of Aden and she declared herself the queen of the whole Gulf ? What would be your opinion of her?
Obama: A Aden 'Bimbo'
Me: Interesting. So what would you do to address this hypothetical situation in the Gulf?
Obama: I A-bomb Aden
Me: But t that would have horrific consequences!? Possibly triggering global nuclear war!?!?
Obama: A....I.... end A-bomb!
Me: Well that's a relief. So speaking of war, are you personally a good fighter? A good soldier?
Obama: On aim- be bad.
Me: Yes, hitting the target is hard for me too.
Let's move on. So you put on your resume that you have an MBA- however there is no record of this at all. Can you explain that?
Obama: MBA in abode
Me: You got an MBA through a home correspondence course??? Senator that hardly qualifies as a real MBA. What kind of effort is that?
Obama: A-One MBA bid!!
Me: Senator I am really going to push you here. Will you confess right now in front of the American people that- despite what you have hanging on your wall- you do not in fact have a 'real' MBA??
Obama: MBA in…. Adobe
Me: Well at least you've confessed. And, yes, I've heard Adobe Photoshop is the most popular tool used to forge a diploma. So Senator isn't it true that there is nothing whatsoever relating to an MBA in your background?
Obama: ..... I boned an MBA!!
Me: Well that sounds exciting but it wasn't exactly what I meant. Perhaps you can save that story for your Playboy interview. However, now that you've brought up your sex life... is it true that you like to have sex in public places?
Obama: Bam in Abode
Me: I see, only in your house. Then is it true that inside your house you have sex in odd places like the staircase, the laundry room, the kitchen, etc..?
Obama: No, I bam abed
Me: I see, just in bed. But is it only your wife that you have sex with in bed?
Obama: Am bi on a bed.
Me: Wow! That's quite a confession to make the American people just a few weeks before the election! Ok then... um...let's not talk abotu men..let's talk about women. Have you had any affairs with women?
Obama: I babe nomad
Me: I see. You just roam around looking for fun, eh? Is it true that you consider yourself an almost 'godlike' stud?
Obama: Am babe 'Odin'.
Me: Impressive. However, I don't think Odin ever sought the office of the President of the United States amidst his romantic romps.
But let's move on. The nation's infrastructure is sorely in need of rebuilding. What's your philosophy on this?
Obama: No bad I-Beam
Me: Well there certainly are enough of them to replace.
Another item- there are controversial rumors that you think the Mafia might help America in its struggle against terrorism. Is that true??
Obama: Mob be an aid
Me: Senator that's preposterous! Organized crime is a corrupt, violent nonethical institution. And what if I told you only that only 1 % of Americans would vote for you if you maintain this stance??
Obama: Idea: Ban mob!
Me: Yes, I think that's a good idea...
Finally let's talk about the balance of constitutional rights. It's been suggested that Neo-Nazis be prevented from shaving their heads because it elicits fear in others. The ACLU is opposed to this measure. However, Abraham Lincoln once very successfully imposed a somewhat similar restriction during the Civil War. Are you more 'Abe' on this one or more 'ACLU' on this one?
Obama: I'm Abe. Ban 'do'
Me: Thank you Senator. Our chat has been truly enlightening.
So now the Bumper sticker has spoken. And what to make of it? A little wavering and backsliding yet also a man bursting with confidence and certainly exhibiting some... creativity in is style. Perhaps a 'work in progress' more than anything. I feel better now. And the 'BAD MAN' doesn't jump out so much when I see the bumper sticker. Actually lately I'm been picking out the 'AMEN'....
Interview With Sarah Palin
(All answers using letters 'SARAHPALIN')
Me: Sarah, what in general would you say is John McCain's average mood?
Sarah: His par? Anal!
Me: How do you rate his views?
Sarah: His rap? Anal!
Me: Do you have any hard evidence that would indicate he's been unfaithful?
Sarah: Has... 'nap lair'
Me: I see- his naughty little euphemism. So what does he do there right after he's been unfaithful and dishonest to his wife?
Sarah: Liar has nap.
Me: Well all of this is rather disturbing to say the least.
Let's move on though. What causes you to be so feisty and combative?
Sarah: Hi anal spar
Me: Well, actually it's called a 'Spur'. And it's 'High' not 'Hi'. And, by the way, they do have medical procedures to remove them now.
But let's talk about your faith. How would you characterize the Church you belong to?
Sarah: Parish anal.
Me: Hmmm.. there seems to be quite the theme here. So tell what's the one thing that struck you the most when you left Alaska for the first time just few months ago?
Sarah: 'Saharan Lip'
Me: Yes, that nagging condition happens in the hotter dryer climates. Can I suggest you use some lip gloss? Now let's discuss your stands on Foreign Policy....
Sarah: Ya know what? Screw you! And I don't have to answer these questions using only the letters in my name!! ! Because I'm a 'MAVERICK'!!! A-B-C-D-E--G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z! Take that!!!
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Oh my Deer
So Thursday night I was driving in the dark on Rte 280 at 75 mph (to avoid incriminating myself this is just a wild estimate) listening to the VP debate with mild interest while coming back from a business meeting. Half thinking about a new Reporting System I'm helping to build and half chuckling at Sarah Palin speaking at such a frantic, lightening pace that all she proved to me was that she was a good memorizer. Zero chance she was actually processing the words as she spoke them. Actually my second theory is that (in addition to memorizing her lines) she also did a few lines before coming on stage.
You see, I think polit--- BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!AAAAHHHH!!! SHIIIIIIT!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
Now, it's funny how broadsiding a deer at 75 mph with ZERO notice distracts you so much from your idle ponderings. To go from a state of mild reflection to the confounded terror that curiously accompanies a violent explosion for reasons unknown in the moment. So, yeah, I could write at length about this experience- you know, the fragility of life, facing the unexpected- but I found a youtube video which will truly put you in the driver's seat on this one. They say a Youtube video speaks 1,000 words.
Yes, the car was totaled. (Anyone got a replacement for a '97 Camry in the range of $5,000?). And my only regret was that the deer didn't come through the windshield and kill me- cause then I would have collected an amazing amount in insurance money by suing the State of California for negligently allowing deer to roam free. If hearing about this worries you just a tad- let it go. You have zero chance of avoiding this kind of thing unless you and your car can make amazing maneuvers in like a nanosecond. Ain't it nice to live in such a secure, predicatable world...
Here's a video that will put you in my shoes- I mean 'seat':
http://tinyurl.com/3c3maa
And here's another deer video showing what I wish my deer had done instead
And if you're smitten with Deer/Car videos at this point here is the most bizarre.
By the way, I'm serious about anyone locally who wants to sell a car- just as long as it hasn't hit a deer on the Interstate
Goodbye 'Frankie'
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My good friend Frankie died yesterday. I actually never met the man but felt a kind of kinship with him nonetheless. Because I related to him on a deep, symbolic level I guess. Frankie was an inspiring model as he struggled with himself, fought against corruption in his world, endured the ghost of doubt and finally unearthed the strength and confidence that was his birthright.
Let me take a few steps back and get all philosophical on you and tell you why I related to Frankie. Perhaps you will too:
Sometimes life beats you down. People beat you down. Then you beat back at them and they beat back at you. And when you start beating on yourself it's all a bust. So for a spell you just walk away or, more accurately, you just dropout. Literally or symbolically. Cause it just ain’t worth it. Like a boxer laying bloody and groggy down on the mat actually relieved to take the 10 count- knowing that the physical pain of taking one more blow far outweighs the emotional sting of losing.
And then you are a Loser. A Loser like Frankie.
And when you drop out you wonder if the promise of walking down some happy path you'd always envisioned still remains. You wonder if it was you who got off the path or if the path just ended. If the path just let you down. Maybe it was laid with sturdy bricks at the start and proceeded through an ornate gate- but then it turned to gravel and then to dirt and then to nothing. And the farther you go the more you're alone. Alone in nothing but the woods. You are Lost.
Frankie was Lost. And Frankie was a Loser. And the same is true of me and perhaps you at times.
It’s curious how these two words, branches of the same tree, have entirely different connotations. ‘Lost’ evoking pity and helplessness. ‘Loser’ evoking derision and dismissal. Either you walked off your path or your path just stopped on you. We've got a word for both- each a kind of endpoint. What's intriguing is to beckon them back home together.
Thus, one of my favorite quotes of all time was delivered by the character Lester Burnham (played by Kevin Spacey) in the movie 'American Beauty'. In his forties and living a miserable, derailed, disconnected life he opens the movie with the line:
‘Most people would call me a loser. And in a way I am a loser- because there’s something I’ve lost.’
I've always thought this quote conveyed THE perfect mindset for a journey of personal renaissance. No helplessness. No derision. Just recognition. Just motivation. To recognize yourself as a ‘Loser’ is a powerful step because it means there’s something you value that you want to reconnect with. And in many ways we are all losers. Take the Buddha for instance- he was a total loser and he always made sure he stayed that way.
To end the suspense, my friend ‘Frankie’ was the character played by Paul Newman in the movie The Verdict. Frankie is a divorced, alcoholic lawyer- out of work save for ambulance chasing- who’s been given a seemingly easy legal case to try regarding a negligent death at a hospital.
Frankie grapples with his drinking, makes logistical blunders, loses his temper and pisses off the judge and must contend with the shifty maneuvers of the large prestigious law firm representing the other side. Not knowing that he's also being spied upon...
But, offended by his adversaries, and spurred on by a good cause he keeps putting one foot in front of the other- even when his case suddenly falls apart- and then finally demolishes the other side by ingeniously proving its negligence and winning millions of dollars for the victim’s impoverished sister.
In this process- this actual trial that became a trial of the self- Frankie reconnects with his desire to do what's right and fair and realizes that abandoning these values probably contributed to his decline in life. Frankie wasn’t really able to simply ‘change’ before the court case. But as he took on the battle he realized he was a 'loser' and set out to get back what he lost. Creating his own path out of the woods you might say.
Paul Newman died yesterday. Though many other roles of his come to mind, I will most associate him with ‘Frankie’ and be grateful to him for how well he played the character and how he inspired- and grateful for all the 'paths in the woods' he left for us.
He was a good man who lived a good life and gave so much both creatively and monetarily. Funny that I grew up in the town next to his but, unlike most, I never caught a glimpse of him buying milk or waiting at a red light or walking his dog. Wish I did. My loss.
Bye Frankie. And thanks.
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.
My good friend Frankie died yesterday. I actually never met the man but felt a kind of kinship with him nonetheless. Because I related to him on a deep, symbolic level I guess. Frankie was an inspiring model as he struggled with himself, fought against corruption in his world, endured the ghost of doubt and finally unearthed the strength and confidence that was his birthright.
Let me take a few steps back and get all philosophical on you and tell you why I related to Frankie. Perhaps you will too:
Sometimes life beats you down. People beat you down. Then you beat back at them and they beat back at you. And when you start beating on yourself it's all a bust. So for a spell you just walk away or, more accurately, you just dropout. Literally or symbolically. Cause it just ain’t worth it. Like a boxer laying bloody and groggy down on the mat actually relieved to take the 10 count- knowing that the physical pain of taking one more blow far outweighs the emotional sting of losing.
And then you are a Loser. A Loser like Frankie.
And when you drop out you wonder if the promise of walking down some happy path you'd always envisioned still remains. You wonder if it was you who got off the path or if the path just ended. If the path just let you down. Maybe it was laid with sturdy bricks at the start and proceeded through an ornate gate- but then it turned to gravel and then to dirt and then to nothing. And the farther you go the more you're alone. Alone in nothing but the woods. You are Lost.
Frankie was Lost. And Frankie was a Loser. And the same is true of me and perhaps you at times.
It’s curious how these two words, branches of the same tree, have entirely different connotations. ‘Lost’ evoking pity and helplessness. ‘Loser’ evoking derision and dismissal. Either you walked off your path or your path just stopped on you. We've got a word for both- each a kind of endpoint. What's intriguing is to beckon them back home together.
Thus, one of my favorite quotes of all time was delivered by the character Lester Burnham (played by Kevin Spacey) in the movie 'American Beauty'. In his forties and living a miserable, derailed, disconnected life he opens the movie with the line:
‘Most people would call me a loser. And in a way I am a loser- because there’s something I’ve lost.’
I've always thought this quote conveyed THE perfect mindset for a journey of personal renaissance. No helplessness. No derision. Just recognition. Just motivation. To recognize yourself as a ‘Loser’ is a powerful step because it means there’s something you value that you want to reconnect with. And in many ways we are all losers. Take the Buddha for instance- he was a total loser and he always made sure he stayed that way.
To end the suspense, my friend ‘Frankie’ was the character played by Paul Newman in the movie The Verdict. Frankie is a divorced, alcoholic lawyer- out of work save for ambulance chasing- who’s been given a seemingly easy legal case to try regarding a negligent death at a hospital.
Frankie grapples with his drinking, makes logistical blunders, loses his temper and pisses off the judge and must contend with the shifty maneuvers of the large prestigious law firm representing the other side. Not knowing that he's also being spied upon...
But, offended by his adversaries, and spurred on by a good cause he keeps putting one foot in front of the other- even when his case suddenly falls apart- and then finally demolishes the other side by ingeniously proving its negligence and winning millions of dollars for the victim’s impoverished sister.
In this process- this actual trial that became a trial of the self- Frankie reconnects with his desire to do what's right and fair and realizes that abandoning these values probably contributed to his decline in life. Frankie wasn’t really able to simply ‘change’ before the court case. But as he took on the battle he realized he was a 'loser' and set out to get back what he lost. Creating his own path out of the woods you might say.
Paul Newman died yesterday. Though many other roles of his come to mind, I will most associate him with ‘Frankie’ and be grateful to him for how well he played the character and how he inspired- and grateful for all the 'paths in the woods' he left for us.
He was a good man who lived a good life and gave so much both creatively and monetarily. Funny that I grew up in the town next to his but, unlike most, I never caught a glimpse of him buying milk or waiting at a red light or walking his dog. Wish I did. My loss.
Bye Frankie. And thanks.
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Read this blog or your dog will die !
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I’m a little burned out on depth today. So I'll set aside posing profound questions. No: 'What's the the meaning of life and what if our universe is just one atom in a gargantuan world and was I really a mongrel dog in Bangladesh in my last life??' type of stuff. I learned all those answers from Monty Python anyway.(very simple: 42)
I just feel like writing about more pedestrian and irksome things. Like the little lies, distortions and ‘soft scams’ perpetrated upon us on a daily basis that I just gotta get off my chest. Just some observations that fall under the category of ‘Gimme a Break..’
===================================================
Ok, ya know that guy named ‘Lesko’ who does TV commercials at 3AM ? He talks like a circus clown on crystal meth and pushes a catalog with info on ‘How to Get Billions of Dollars in Government Giveaways!!’ while donning a purple suit adorned with ‘Question Marks’? Well, for 20 years he’s said ‘You’ve probably seen me all over the TV and the talks shows and all!’ Has anyone ever seen Lesko on TV in anything other than his commercials?? Or is it just me who missed his 15 Tonight Show appearances?
Jeez, I bet if he'd, like, watched the Prime Minister of Canada throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at a Toronto Blue Jays game he’d say something like: 'You’ve probably seen me hanging out with world leaders and going to all sorts of foreign countries around the world!'
===================================================
Ok next: Have you ever intended to go to a popular Web Site like EBAY.COM but made a typo such as EBYA.COM ? You’ve probably noticed that web pages with addresses like EBYA.COM have been set up to sell Vacations, Electronics, Caskets, Viagra, etc. with the sole marketing strategy of generating visitors who’ve arrived there by mistake. Is there anyone who doesn’t just simply retype the correct url?? Do people fall for this?
Is there anyone who says:
===================================================
But the manipulations that bother me the most are lies and distortions perpetrated by the big, reputable software vendors who try to scare unsuspecting folks into installing all of their products by suggesting frightening consequences in pop up boxes like:
Would you like to install Microsoft’s $10,000 Virtual Reality Plus? Or would you like us to report your whereabouts to the Dade Country authorities where there’s an outstanding warrant for your arrest under doc #084740?
OR
Please tell us what version of Microsoft Info Flow you desire. Note: Due to regulatory, shared license, conformatory, pro quid qum dum stipulation laws, Microsoft must install the same level of software on this computer as it does on the computer currently controlling your Mother’s kidney machine at Outland Hospital room 446. Would you like our $50 Budget Package or our $5,000 Premier Suite?
===================================================
All this said, I have to admit that maybe I too employ a few very subtle ‘scare tactics’ to get what I want now and then. Can't say I'm proud of it.
For instance, during my last date the woman and I were downtown at 2 AM as our evening together drew to a close. And then (thinking fast) I cunningly asked her:
So I gotta share the great news that this woman and I are hitting it off fantastically now. Matter of fact, I just booked a ‘self guided vacation’ for the two of us on EBYA.COM. I got a great deal too. All I have to pay for is the airfare, hotel, meals and rental car.
Thanks for reading and, yeah, your dog is safe now. At least for a while.
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.
.
I’m a little burned out on depth today. So I'll set aside posing profound questions. No: 'What's the the meaning of life and what if our universe is just one atom in a gargantuan world and was I really a mongrel dog in Bangladesh in my last life??' type of stuff. I learned all those answers from Monty Python anyway.(very simple: 42)
I just feel like writing about more pedestrian and irksome things. Like the little lies, distortions and ‘soft scams’ perpetrated upon us on a daily basis that I just gotta get off my chest. Just some observations that fall under the category of ‘Gimme a Break..’
===================================================
Ok, ya know that guy named ‘Lesko’ who does TV commercials at 3AM ? He talks like a circus clown on crystal meth and pushes a catalog with info on ‘How to Get Billions of Dollars in Government Giveaways!!’ while donning a purple suit adorned with ‘Question Marks’? Well, for 20 years he’s said ‘You’ve probably seen me all over the TV and the talks shows and all!’ Has anyone ever seen Lesko on TV in anything other than his commercials?? Or is it just me who missed his 15 Tonight Show appearances?
Jeez, I bet if he'd, like, watched the Prime Minister of Canada throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at a Toronto Blue Jays game he’d say something like: 'You’ve probably seen me hanging out with world leaders and going to all sorts of foreign countries around the world!'
===================================================
Ok next: Have you ever intended to go to a popular Web Site like EBAY.COM but made a typo such as EBYA.COM ? You’ve probably noticed that web pages with addresses like EBYA.COM have been set up to sell Vacations, Electronics, Caskets, Viagra, etc. with the sole marketing strategy of generating visitors who’ve arrived there by mistake. Is there anyone who doesn’t just simply retype the correct url?? Do people fall for this?
Is there anyone who says:
‘Forget about checking the latest bids on my first edition Gutenberg Bible on eBay- this unknown, barebones web site listing ‘certified’ Rolexes that ship overnight from Nigeria after I give my credit card info is much more interesting’.I mean, this lame strategy is a bit like driving up to a beautiful woman in a car that looks almost exactly like her boyfriend's and when she gets in by mistake you try to talk her into a date. Actually, can one of you try this for me and let me know if it works? Meanwhile, I’ll let you know if I have any success opening up a restaurant called Sardie’s located right across the street from Sardi’s…
===================================================
But the manipulations that bother me the most are lies and distortions perpetrated by the big, reputable software vendors who try to scare unsuspecting folks into installing all of their products by suggesting frightening consequences in pop up boxes like:
’Would you like to install Norton Ultra Guard Safe SecurityOR
Protector now? Or would you rather have criminals gain access to all of your financial records and empty your 401k by next morning?’
‘It is recommended that you allow us to replace all of your Oracle, Firefox, Dreamweaver, Google and Apple products with Microsoft products. Keeping these programs could result in the erasure of all of your files with no hope of recovery.’I kid you not- at some point in the future, given the sophistication of technology and information flow, some people will get messages like:
Would you like to install Microsoft’s $10,000 Virtual Reality Plus? Or would you like us to report your whereabouts to the Dade Country authorities where there’s an outstanding warrant for your arrest under doc #084740?
OR
Please tell us what version of Microsoft Info Flow you desire. Note: Due to regulatory, shared license, conformatory, pro quid qum dum stipulation laws, Microsoft must install the same level of software on this computer as it does on the computer currently controlling your Mother’s kidney machine at Outland Hospital room 446. Would you like our $50 Budget Package or our $5,000 Premier Suite?
===================================================
All this said, I have to admit that maybe I too employ a few very subtle ‘scare tactics’ to get what I want now and then. Can't say I'm proud of it.
For instance, during my last date the woman and I were downtown at 2 AM as our evening together drew to a close. And then (thinking fast) I cunningly asked her:
'Would you like to go back to my place and spend theAs hoped, hours later we were sitting up in my bed, wonderfully satiated, totally mellow and watching a little TV. She smoked a cigarette as I ate some ice cream and suddenly my friend Lesko came on. I actually had a little compassion for him this time around, as the thought occurred to me that maybe he’s just plain crazy and really does think he’s been ‘all over TV’. That maybe he's just doing the best he can to work with the hand he was dealt- just like me. And, right then and there, it all fell into place when my warm, cuddly cute companion asked me how long my Ferrari was going to be in the shop and what it's like to be the highest paid investment banker in all of San Francisco...
whole night in my bed to guarantee your safety? Or would you rather I let you off at the Bart Station where murders and rapists hang out at this hour and there’s no cell phone reception during this policemen’s strike?’
So I gotta share the great news that this woman and I are hitting it off fantastically now. Matter of fact, I just booked a ‘self guided vacation’ for the two of us on EBYA.COM. I got a great deal too. All I have to pay for is the airfare, hotel, meals and rental car.
Thanks for reading and, yeah, your dog is safe now. At least for a while.
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Computers, comPUTERS, cptrs
This entry is devoted to computers. To browsing, to emails, and to people. Mixing the helpful, the proposed and the irritating. Inventing 6 new terms along the way while hopefully entertaining you.
1) ‘The Takeaway’- is when you’re looking at a web page and you click a link and the new web page replaces the old one (no new window opens). Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Sort of a ‘Well punk, do you feel lucky?' The Takeaway is like being forced to trade in your old car for a new one. Even if it’s trading in a ’67 Corvette for a Trabant (think East Germany). I always hold down the SHIFT key while clicking a link because it always makes the new link appear in a new window. Just a tip.
2) ‘The Clone’- This is a simple but handy tip. If you’re on a web page and hit ‘Control-N’ it creates a duplicate of your current web page including the browser history. Lots of uses. Like, if you want to keep your current web page but also want to go back to your last one then CLONE the page (Control –N) and hit the back button on the new one. This is my countermeasure when I let my guard down and get screwed by the The Takeaway. Try Cloning this web page right now with Control-N and then close the new page. Was that, like, totally empowering or what?
3) ‘The Boomerang’- This means taking a quick look at a web page link but coming right back for the sake of continuity or interest . It’s most helpful as an expectation/ instruction to give to someone in your email when you want them to visit a web page link for like a minute or less. Like:.
Hey Joe, Boomerang this for a sec: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke2.cgi?id=20010608
(You can actually boomerang that link now for a good laugh.)
The Boomerang does away with ‘When I have a free day I’ll visit that web link that Bill sent last January. Right now I’m busy with Halloween plans though. ’ Yep, it's next in line after that solo trek across Greenland you're going to do someday.
The boomerang is a good compromise between ignoring your friend’s link (yeah, me too) or, alternatively, bailing on their email to get immersed in their link (often referred to as the porno link effect.)
The directive to Boomerang can be quite important to heed. Else you might get:
‘Dude! I told you to just Boomerang that web link fast and take a quick at that chick’s knockers. Too bad you didn’t get back to my email and read the part about the tickets I got to the 7th game of the World Series. Joe and I had a great time watching the Cubs finally win it!’
4) The ‘IR’ (Injured Reserved) ’. Taken from Baseball this is the status of a player who is too injured to play. And is a great term for explaining why you can’t, won’t and never will look at some web link your friend sent you on, like, The History of Organic Chemistry.
Just write back: ‘Sorry, Joe, I’m on the IR with this one’
If Joe’s feelings are hurt then send him a link to ‘A Detailed Life History of all Presidential Relatives’. Then later, ask him how he liked the story about Garfield’s second cousin and the racehorse. When Joe lies and says it was a great story tell him there was no such story. Then Joe will understand the IR
5) 'The Icicle'- This is an inexact acronym but stands for ‘ICCL’ short for ‘I Couldn’t Care Less’. It’s those people who respond to your earnest, heartfelt, spellchecked, 3 paragraph emails that took 25 minutes to write with clipped, glib responses like:
‘i agree. ya cud be rihgt on this…’
That’s an Icicle.
Ya know, If you can’t bother to even capitalize the letter ‘i’ or write anything even remotely reflective of what I sent to you then let’s just exchange preprinted Christmas Cards and leave it at that. At the very least go on the IR. And, by the way, using shortcuts like cud =could applies either to the practical efficiencies of cell phone texting or to 90 year olds who remember the long gone days of ‘telexes’ when your company was literally charged for each character in your message. In an email it means I’m going to devote the absolute minimum amount of time I can to writing back. My reply to you:
tks a lot. get yur msg. FY too.
Usage for the term: I tried to reach out to Kathy but she was an ‘Icicle’
6) 'GETTING FLOORED'- This is when a web page with 'automatically loading movies' or a program (like McAfee!) suddenly speeds up your computer's processor to 100% CPU. Sorta like sitting in your car idling with the gas pedal stuck to the floor. The most irritating aspect of this is not the degradation in performance but the damn increase in the noise of your computer fan as it desperately tries to cool down the racing processor. It's like listening to a car alarm go off on the street except it's happening right in your living room.
Moreover, it creates this inescapable impression that some poor entity (albeit a silicon one) is being pushed to the edge of exhaustion. Forced with an electric prod to run around the track- and all you can do is watch in angst from the stands, triggered by this natural sense of concern and compassion. Can't the 'Grand Governing Computer Committee of the World ' require a mandatory popup screen for web pages or programs to first ask you: 'May we run the living shit out of your processor now??'
7) 'GETTING CAPPED'- In the ghetto GETTING CAPPED means getting shot {:>0. But on the computer is it that totally irritating phenomena when your CAPS LOCK is accidentally turned on because of its inane position just above the SHIFT key. So if you’ve been too lazy (like me) to ever learn how to touch type, you type by looking down at the keyboard for maybe 20-30 characters at a time. And when you get CAPPED you look up at the screen only to find most of yoUR LAST SENTENCE IS IN UPPER CASE. Yeah yeah, I don’t really give a shit about the ‘history of the keyboard’ and all. Whoever is currently responsible for this ridiculous ergonomic blunder should be CAPPED. And I’m not talking about the computer kind…
On a flimsy segue, there are actually worse fates than being ghetto CAPPED. Check out the below news story about the guy who had his head completely severed by another guy on a bus up in Canada {:>0
Or you can go on the IR for it if you want. It's not a Boomerang either- cause this post is over.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/07/31/international/i082526D97.DTL&tsp=1
And now for something completely different...
Below, in red, are the 22 'hidden' European countries in the fictional story I posted as a puzzle a few weeks back. I think this challenge only appealed to a rather small percentage of you anyway. My sister got 19 of the 22. Missing, Andorra is understandable - but France and Greece???? This puzzle only came to be because I couldn't sleep one night and began writing it in my head...
The Story with answers:
An interesting item I read recently. Apparently dentists can detect a certain deadly germ any time they examine dental records and see one specific pattern of decay in a specific tooth. This germ affects an (obviously) unseen gland and can be fatal. Funny, but, this was realized during a very casual chat between two drunken dentists in Stockholm- not at the ‘big official annual Stockholm dental conference, but at what's secretly deemed to be a 'wiser' bi-annual conference. One in which creative minds are truly set free to converse and compare notes via huge amounts of alcohol.
So right on the spot, in the dark spirit of Faust, 'Rialto Bridge' is what these lovable drunkards named the dental pattern- because its shape is similar to the renown bridge in Venice. Hey, great idea guys.- naming a deadly disease after a beautiful old bridge in a nice land. (Lately giving very old names to things is quite in style. A sort of 'retro-mania'.) Why don't they do the opposite sometime and label a rustic bridge after a disease? 'Ebola Bridge' perhaps??
Anyway, this sudden mark in your dental x-rays is bad news. But you only get it if you're a man who’s left handed and your ancestors were largely of 'inland decent'. What?? Ok, now that's the universe being randomly cruel. Heck I say fight back randomly-.make a voodoo brew of tiger hair, eland hoof, and eye of newt. Maybe it'll work.
Apparently, if you get this disease and it's not treated soon there's no hope nor way out of it. A guy feels pain in his gut and or racing of his heart and then turns blue. Sadly people think it's contagious so it's like 'Forget it, Al, you can't come in here...' on top of feeling. bad.
Anyway- what's up with the 'criteria' for getting this disease? Inland Descent? Left handed? What's next? Getting botulism based on nose shape?. Getting typhoid if you're like a... 'well hung' Aryan with freckles? Getting gout if you live exactly 48 miles from Atlanta, Georgia? Alzheimer’s if you smoke menthol? Land size owned determining your next stroke? If a man’s wed- endless ringing in the ears? ;>)
In this case a total ban, I assume, will be put on being left handed. If you're caught using your left hand they send you right back to ‘right hander's camp’. Gonna be tough. I know there’s one thing (other than writing) that a man could never switch hands with. Which of course all of us men know is… using a hammer.
Seriously, I agree certain efforts should be made to screen and identify candidates for weird deadly diseases like this- increasingly using the help of computers as well. I say even get advanced technical help from Interpol and such with all their technology. All of it no doubt need funding though. I guess it's a start that the writer of the article I read said lots of people he knew of ran certain races as fundraisers for this. Hope a cure comes soon.
I'm as Mad as Hell!!
Funny how a speech 32 years ago seems to apply so much today. This is on youtube but it's actually all audio and it's less than 2 minutes. Be patient as it starts off slow but then builds to a wild crescendo. Maybe a little like I feel right now. A great listen:
And, yes, as most of you remember, it's Howard Beale from the movie 'Network'. Enjoy.
Goodbye, George Carlin
Sad too see that one of the fathers of modern humor died yesterday. George Carlin. A truly ground breaking, split-your-gut-laughing comedian who took humor out of the 'Take my wife....please!' phase and into hilarious, witty observations and ponderings.
Below are some of his great one liners. But first let's get this out of the way: His 7 famous words you can't say on tv were: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits
Wait, was that the correct list Mom??
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Below are some of his great one liners. But first let's get this out of the way: His 7 famous words you can't say on tv were: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits
Wait, was that the correct list Mom??
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Church Humor
Ok, this is a funny list of both answers given by kids to religious questions and funny entries printed in church bulletins:
Children and the Church
A local church has an attached Primary school, here are some of the children's answers to Bible questions:
Children and the Church
A local church has an attached Primary school, here are some of the children's answers to Bible questions:
Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles
A Christian should only have one wife, this is called monotony
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night
The Lord's followers were called the 12 Decibels
Entries in Church Bulletins
Don't let worry kill you - let the church helpThursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends
Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early
Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor
Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar
The service will close with "Littler Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice
Finding a phrase or... Dead Cats Bouncing
Ran into a very cool, helpful web site today. It's a British site that list thousands of 'phrases' and describes their meaning and origin. All arranged by the first letter of the phrase and displayed with a separate page for each letter.
What's fascinating is not just looking up unknown phrases, but seeing the staggering list of phrases available. A kind of vast 'menu' to pick from should you ever find yourself with 'phrase block' (a less severe form of 'writer's block')
Here's the Link (though do return):
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/a.html
The majority of phrases are well known and might just invite a look into origin:
'A stitch in time'
'The buck stops here'
'A bird in the hand'
But some phrases I haven't run into like:
'All sixes and sevens'
'Hugger Mugger'
'Sex and Shopping'
And by far the most bizarre phrase:
'Dead Cat Bounce'
Wtf? When I read this one I thought it might be a creepy reference to the feelings that arose when some of my relationships ended. As in:
'Hi, Jim. So, I had a painful breakup with Amy yesterday. Yep, it was a real Dead Cat Bounce. I mean it felt like watching a dead cat fall from the 8th floor and bounce in front of me. Real Bad. Reminds me of breaking up with Jill last year- except that felt more like watching a donkey getting a root canal...'
Anyways... these guys also have a 'phrase thesaurus'. If you enter a concept (e.g. 'difficulty', 'faithfulness', etc) it suggests various phrases that might express it. But, since we all have to eat, this is where they impose a fee. You do get a few tries before having to pay, so it's worth a whirl.
Not surprsingly, their list of customers includes a large number of newspapers and tv stations. Guess we all need a little help from time to time...
What's fascinating is not just looking up unknown phrases, but seeing the staggering list of phrases available. A kind of vast 'menu' to pick from should you ever find yourself with 'phrase block' (a less severe form of 'writer's block')
Here's the Link (though do return):
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/a.html
The majority of phrases are well known and might just invite a look into origin:
'A stitch in time'
'The buck stops here'
'A bird in the hand'
But some phrases I haven't run into like:
'All sixes and sevens'
'Hugger Mugger'
'Sex and Shopping'
And by far the most bizarre phrase:
'Dead Cat Bounce'
Wtf? When I read this one I thought it might be a creepy reference to the feelings that arose when some of my relationships ended. As in:
'Hi, Jim. So, I had a painful breakup with Amy yesterday. Yep, it was a real Dead Cat Bounce. I mean it felt like watching a dead cat fall from the 8th floor and bounce in front of me. Real Bad. Reminds me of breaking up with Jill last year- except that felt more like watching a donkey getting a root canal...'
Anyways... these guys also have a 'phrase thesaurus'. If you enter a concept (e.g. 'difficulty', 'faithfulness', etc) it suggests various phrases that might express it. But, since we all have to eat, this is where they impose a fee. You do get a few tries before having to pay, so it's worth a whirl.
Not surprsingly, their list of customers includes a large number of newspapers and tv stations. Guess we all need a little help from time to time...
Some pics and videos
Throughout the last few years I've collected some funny photos and thought I'd share a few here.
I'm also posting 2 entertaining videos from youtube at the bottom. One is a fascinating morphing video of 'A History of Women in Film'. (Similiar to another well known video of 'A History of Women in Art') The other is a 'Devil Sticks' routine (which is of course a hobby of mine). I doubt I'll ever get to this skill level. But I doubt I'll ever play for the Red Sox either...
The pics:
I'm also posting 2 entertaining videos from youtube at the bottom. One is a fascinating morphing video of 'A History of Women in Film'. (Similiar to another well known video of 'A History of Women in Art') The other is a 'Devil Sticks' routine (which is of course a hobby of mine). I doubt I'll ever get to this skill level. But I doubt I'll ever play for the Red Sox either...
The pics:
Repo Man & The Buddha
Recently, I found myself having an absolutely unpredictable, unlikely and beneficial email exchange with someone who was the smallest blip possible on my radar.
Otto: 'That's Bullshit! You're a white suburban punk- just like me!'
Duke: 'Yeah, but it still hurts'
However tenuously constructed I wrote to Dick that these 3 things applied in this situation because I was defining him is a very limited way (No Self), exhibiting no awareness of the impermanence at play since he played Duke 25 years ago and was not taking into account that it might create a bit of suffering for Dick to hear for the zillionth time about playing Duke. Just some pondering about it. (People who don't like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they don't like.)
I like to know these 'lists' of Buddhist wisdom and toss them about (The 4 noble truths, the 8 fold path, the 5 hindrances, etc...) With the hope that doing so will advance me spiritually. But more in the long run. Like, perhaps in my next lifetime...
But they're meant to guide your everyday life by giving you a helpful, real time perspective and guide you in developing a beneficial attitude. Helping you to be happy right now- not later. Alas, it's so easy for such 'truths' to become abstract, intellectual and totally useless. Relegated to the bookshelf and rarely visited. 'Yeah, everything is 'impermanent'. So true. So true. Yep, Yep, Yep. Hey, what's for dinner?
So, really, my reference to these 3 aspects of life in this situation was little more than one of those 'Oh, that's interesting' kinda things.
Then Dick wrote back talking about how he tried to live in a way that acknowledged these 3 Buddhist truths. And he doesn't seem to have any particular experience with the Buddha. He's just 'put one foot in front of the other' and seems to have lived a life full of perspective, acceptance and hard won lessons . I gotta say, his reply turned me into a very humble student. Here's what Dick wrote- taking the 3 truths down off the dusty bookshelf and bringing them alive in everyday experience:
============================
1) No Self, means we get to make mistakes, means we must forgive, means we are human
2) Everything is impermanent means happiness only exists in the moment, which means all the elements for happiness always exist if we make the decision to recognize and embrace it
3) A shorter version of the Suffering equation I live by is, "it is okay to feel the pain but don't indulge it" when I do indulge it I like to take it all the way.
He goes on...
All good stuff. We change when the time is correct and sometimes the catalyst for me is just being bored with identifying with being the dumbshit I can be on any given day.
The never ending quest toward spiritual enlightenment can be summed up in the first frame of my movie called 'QUIT,' which is a quote from Mark Twain - "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a thousand times."
============================
Well said Dick.
By the way, Dick's a writer, producer, director now and has a new movie coming out next year called 'Quit'.
So..... that is how a joke during a phone call between two old friends took the unlikely course of bringing the 3 Buddhist truths a little more live for me...
It started when my friend David and I were chatting about our modern day American 'problems'. And right after- like good guilty Americans- we quickly brought to mind the billions of people around the world who would love to be living our lifestyle. And it quickly reminded us of the funny exchange from the movie 'Repo Man' (1984) between Otto (Emilio Estavez) and his criminal, punk friend Duke (Dick Rude) who lay dying of gunshot wounds after he tried to hold up a liquor store:
Duke: 'The lights are growing dim Otto. I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am.
Otto: 'That's Bullshit! You're a white suburban punk- just like me!'
Duke: 'Yeah, but it still hurts'
So, yeah, no matter what problems Dave and I have we're still just white suburban punks- though perhaps cleaned up, evolved versions thereof... A healthy perspective to maintain. Hell, my visa card could probably sustain the nation of Mali for a month..
(By the way Repo Man is a classic and has stood the test of time. I defy you to rent it and not laugh your ass off.)
Anyway this is where the unpredictable twists and turns start...
So I email Dave back a day later with a mildly entertaining, tongue-in-cheek, 5 paragraph parody of the 'complex psychology' at play in the above Repo Man exchange- hamming it up with scads of analysis revolving around concepts such like Ego protection, spiritual atonement, transpersonal psychology, the subjective capitulating to the objective , self esteem, etc..
And on a total whim- through the magic of google- I decide to look up the character who played Duke (Dick Rude) and found his email address. And on another whim I sent Dick the tongue-in-cheek email I sent to Dave about Duke's last words in Repo Man. And, unexpectedly, Dick wrote back. Intriguing. It was a rather short email about being reminded of Duke all too much and of having to accept that fate and having his life be more similar to Duke's than I might imagine and having no choice but to 'chop the wood carry the water' and all. Take the suffering as it comes. (A bit of a paraphrase on my part.)
So.... never to let a chance go by that has the slightest potential to explore 'the meaning of life', I wrote back to Dick his about how my associating him with the character Duke had reflections of the 3 truths about life that the Buddha talked about:
1) There actually is no 'Self'. A concrete identifiable 'Self' is really an illusion.
2) Everything is Impermanent
3) Life involves suffering- some of it unavoidable and some of it avoidable.However tenuously constructed I wrote to Dick that these 3 things applied in this situation because I was defining him is a very limited way (No Self), exhibiting no awareness of the impermanence at play since he played Duke 25 years ago and was not taking into account that it might create a bit of suffering for Dick to hear for the zillionth time about playing Duke. Just some pondering about it. (People who don't like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they don't like.)
I like to know these 'lists' of Buddhist wisdom and toss them about (The 4 noble truths, the 8 fold path, the 5 hindrances, etc...) With the hope that doing so will advance me spiritually. But more in the long run. Like, perhaps in my next lifetime...
But they're meant to guide your everyday life by giving you a helpful, real time perspective and guide you in developing a beneficial attitude. Helping you to be happy right now- not later. Alas, it's so easy for such 'truths' to become abstract, intellectual and totally useless. Relegated to the bookshelf and rarely visited. 'Yeah, everything is 'impermanent'. So true. So true. Yep, Yep, Yep. Hey, what's for dinner?
So, really, my reference to these 3 aspects of life in this situation was little more than one of those 'Oh, that's interesting' kinda things.
Then Dick wrote back talking about how he tried to live in a way that acknowledged these 3 Buddhist truths. And he doesn't seem to have any particular experience with the Buddha. He's just 'put one foot in front of the other' and seems to have lived a life full of perspective, acceptance and hard won lessons . I gotta say, his reply turned me into a very humble student. Here's what Dick wrote- taking the 3 truths down off the dusty bookshelf and bringing them alive in everyday experience:
============================
1) No Self, means we get to make mistakes, means we must forgive, means we are human
2) Everything is impermanent means happiness only exists in the moment, which means all the elements for happiness always exist if we make the decision to recognize and embrace it
3) A shorter version of the Suffering equation I live by is, "it is okay to feel the pain but don't indulge it" when I do indulge it I like to take it all the way.
He goes on...
All good stuff. We change when the time is correct and sometimes the catalyst for me is just being bored with identifying with being the dumbshit I can be on any given day.
The never ending quest toward spiritual enlightenment can be summed up in the first frame of my movie called 'QUIT,' which is a quote from Mark Twain - "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a thousand times."
============================
Well said Dick.
By the way, Dick's a writer, producer, director now and has a new movie coming out next year called 'Quit'.
So..... that is how a joke during a phone call between two old friends took the unlikely course of bringing the 3 Buddhist truths a little more live for me...