Read this blog or your dog will die !

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I’m a little burned out on depth today. So I'll set aside posing profound questions. No: 'What's the the meaning of life and what if our universe is just one atom in a gargantuan world and was I really a mongrel dog in Bangladesh in my last life??' type of stuff. I learned all those answers from Monty Python anyway.(very simple: 42)

I just feel like writing about more pedestrian and irksome things. Like the little lies, distortions and ‘soft scams’ perpetrated upon us on a daily basis that I just gotta get off my chest. Just some observations that fall under the category of ‘Gimme a Break..’

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Ok, ya know that guy named ‘Lesko’ who does TV commercials at 3AM ? He talks like a circus clown on crystal meth and pushes a catalog with info on ‘How to Get Billions of Dollars in Government Giveaways!!’ while donning a purple suit adorned with ‘Question Marks’? Well, for 20 years he’s said ‘You’ve probably seen me all over the TV and the talks shows and all!’ Has anyone ever seen Lesko on TV in anything other than his commercials?? Or is it just me who missed his 15 Tonight Show appearances?

Jeez, I bet if he'd, like, watched the Prime Minister of Canada throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at a Toronto Blue Jays game he’d say something like: 'You’ve probably seen me hanging out with world leaders and going to all sorts of foreign countries around the world!'

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Ok next: Have you ever intended to go to a popular Web Site like EBAY.COM but made a typo such as EBYA.COM ? You’ve probably noticed that web pages with addresses like EBYA.COM have been set up to sell Vacations, Electronics, Caskets, Viagra, etc. with the sole marketing strategy of generating visitors who’ve arrived there by mistake. Is there anyone who doesn’t just simply retype the correct url?? Do people fall for this?

Is there anyone who says:

‘Forget about checking the latest bids on my first edition Gutenberg Bible on eBay- this unknown, barebones web site listing ‘certified’ Rolexes that ship overnight from Nigeria after I give my credit card info is much more interesting’.

I mean, this lame strategy is a bit like driving up to a beautiful woman in a car that looks almost exactly like her boyfriend's and when she gets in by mistake you try to talk her into a date. Actually, can one of you try this for me and let me know if it works? Meanwhile, I’ll let you know if I have any success opening up a restaurant called Sardie’s located right across the street from Sardi’s…

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But the manipulations that bother me the most are lies and distortions perpetrated by the big, reputable software vendors who try to scare unsuspecting folks into installing all of their products by suggesting frightening consequences in pop up boxes like:

’Would you like to install Norton Ultra Guard Safe Security
Protector now? Or would you rather have criminals gain access to all of your financial records and empty your 401k by next morning?’

OR

‘It is recommended that you allow us to replace all of your Oracle, Firefox, Dreamweaver, Google and Apple products with Microsoft products. Keeping these programs could result in the erasure of all of your files with no hope of recovery.’

I kid you not- at some point in the future, given the sophistication of technology and information flow, some people will get messages like:

Would you like to install Microsoft’s $10,000 Virtual Reality Plus? Or would you like us to report your whereabouts to the Dade Country authorities where there’s an outstanding warrant for your arrest under doc #084740?

OR

Please tell us what version of Microsoft Info Flow you desire. Note: Due to regulatory, shared license, conformatory, pro quid qum dum stipulation laws, Microsoft must install the same level of software on this computer as it does on the computer currently controlling your Mother’s kidney machine at Outland Hospital room 446. Would you like our $50 Budget Package or our $5,000 Premier Suite?

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All this said, I have to admit that maybe I too employ a few very subtle ‘scare tactics’ to get what I want now and then. Can't say I'm proud of it.

For instance, during my last date the woman and I were downtown at 2 AM as our evening together drew to a close. And then (thinking fast) I cunningly asked her:

'Would you like to go back to my place and spend the
whole night in my bed to guarantee your safety? Or would you rather I let you off at the Bart Station where murders and rapists hang out at this hour and there’s no cell phone reception during this policemen’s strike?’

As hoped, hours later we were sitting up in my bed, wonderfully satiated, totally mellow and watching a little TV. She smoked a cigarette as I ate some ice cream and suddenly my friend Lesko came on. I actually had a little compassion for him this time around, as the thought occurred to me that maybe he’s just plain crazy and really does think he’s been ‘all over TV’. That maybe he's just doing the best he can to work with the hand he was dealt- just like me. And, right then and there, it all fell into place when my warm, cuddly cute companion asked me how long my Ferrari was going to be in the shop and what it's like to be the highest paid investment banker in all of San Francisco...

So I gotta share the great news that this woman and I are hitting it off fantastically now. Matter of fact, I just booked a ‘self guided vacation’ for the two of us on EBYA.COM. I got a great deal too. All I have to pay for is the airfare, hotel, meals and rental car.

Thanks for reading and, yeah, your dog is safe now. At least for a while.
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