Ah, it’s election time in California again. Time to bone up on all the pivotal issues in preparation for the big visit to the voting booth. This is actually quite an entertaining process here- the centerpiece of this folly being the slew of ‘Propositions’ on our ballot which are often either supported or opposed with laughable arguments and hysterical proclamations of disastrous consequences. Luckily it’s all conveniently laid out for us in the infamous
‘California Voter Information Guide’. The term ‘guide’ should be interpreted loosely here. This booklet is a ‘guide’ to rational political discourse just like hardcore pornography is a ‘guide’ to biology.
Come to think of it, there is this vague sense that you’re looking at porn when you read it. Except the plot seems a little more complex than, you know, the button coincidentally popping off the milkman’s pants just as the housewife leans down to pick up a potholder from the kitchen floor. I actually keep my old Voter Guides under my bed and and sometimes read them by flashlight late at night.
Below are a few of the Propositions on this year’s ballot and the arguments both 'FOR' and 'AGAINST' them. Before reading these, however, let me tell you 2 things:
1) A proposition can bear ANY title, regardless of how applicable that title is to the actual content. For instance, Proposition Q was named ‘The Free Oral Sex for All Act’ but the text only mentioned paying for a $10 million house for a friend of the Governor’s. I'm not sure that such deception is necessarily a bad thing though. I mean, it’s the law and I’m not a criminal so I therefore support it because I’m an American. Besides, I still think they might deliver on the ‘Free Oral Sex’ part once the $10 million house is purchased. Maybe that’s where you go to get the ‘Free Oral Sex’??
2) The criteria for who can write a ‘FOR’ or ‘AGAINST’ argument in the Voter Guide does not exist. At all. I mean it. You don’t even have to be literate since many of the contributors simply dictate their profound thoughts to friends who know how to write. I know you’re gonna ask: ‘Even Charles Manson’? Yep. Matter of fact he’s making last minute changes to his Proposition to ease gun control right now.
Without further ado, here is a taste of our ‘California Voter Information Guide’…========================================================================================Proposition B: The Child Protection ActText of Proposition B: The Organization known as ‘The Boy Scouts of America’ will heretofore be disbanded and cease all current activities.Argument in favor if Proposition B:VOTE YES ON B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAN THE BOY SCOUTS!! THEY ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN THAT IT’S OK FOR MALES TO ‘TAKE TRIPS' TOGETHER AND EVEN ‘SLEEP TOGETHER’ !! IN LARGE GROUPS!!! DOESN’T THIS REMIND YOU OF THE RAMPANT GAY SEX CLUBS OF THE 1970S??? THE BOY SCOUTS HAND OUT DEADLY WEAPONS CALLED ‘SWISS ARMY KNIVES’ TO OUR 10 YEAR OLD BOYS!!! IS GANG VIOLENCE NOT FAR BEHIND??? THEY ALREADY HAVE UNIFORMS- WHICH ARE DECEPTIVELY MADE TO LOOK LIKE OUR PARK RANGERS!!! AND THESE BOYS ARE ALREADY BEING GIVEN ‘MERIT BADGES’. SURE, THE ‘MERIT BADGES’ ARE JUST FOR SHOE OILING AND HARMONICA PLAYING RIGHT NOW- BUT WILL WE SEE ‘MERIT BADGES’ FOR SUICIDE BOMBINGS BEFORE TOO LONG??? AND WILL WE STAND IDLLY BY AND LET SWITZERLAND GO AHEAD WITH WHATEVER SICK, VIOLENT AIMS THEY APPARENTLY HAVE FOR OUR CHILDREN?? NO !! AL QUAEDA HAS TAUGHT US THAT LESSON!! SAVE OUR CHILDREN AND SAVE AMERICA BY VOTING ‘YES’ ON ‘B’!!
Fred Stutzman(President of Citizens for Citizens)~~~~
Argument against Proposition B:First, I am a Scoutmaster accused of fondling 43 of the boys. This is NOT true! If you want to help me with my legal expenses please make a contribution at
www.ScoutMasterRickIsInnocent.com. Second, this proposition is completely funded by the Girl Scouts who want to wipe out the Boy Scouts and then reestablish them as a division of their own organization! They did it to the Cub Scouts right after they drove the Campfire Girls out of business- and now they are trying to do it to us! Orion is in the southeastern sky tonight- I wish I could show it to Tommy & Billy. And Dickie. And Jimmie and Joey. And also Kenny.
Scoutmaster Rick WoodmanPelican Bay State Penitentiary========================================================================================
Proposition C: The Stop the Cruel Torture of Cute, Innocent Rabbits ActText of Proposition C: Automobiles will no longer be allowed on our roadsArgument in favor of Proposition C:Automobiles mean crime. Statistics show that 45,945 bank robbers, kidnappers, counterfeiters and teenage boys vandalizing mailboxes at night used automobiles to commit their crimes last year. Moreover, automobiles are reported to be involved in a staggering 100% of ‘drive-by’ shootings. But nowhere is the automobile/crime connection more evident than in the area of accordion theft- which has risen an alarming 876% since 1973. Also, do you realize that our daughters are being introduced to ‘adult sex’ at ages as young as 16 in the backseats of automobiles? This is not even under the guidance of responsible adults- but is being done by boys who are also 16 years old and who are also, technically, being molested in the backseat of the car by the 16 year old girls at the same time even if they both say they like it. So the problem is already twice as bad. My daughter, however, was not one of these girls. When will we admit that automobiles are havens of crime and irresponsibility and need to be eliminated from our society? The automobile must go. Vote ‘yes’ on C.
Glenda SchnecklemenModesto, CA~~~~
Argument against Proposition C:Hey lady, you’re wrong- I banged your daughter in the backseat of my Camaro!
Billy Mumbermen16 years old, Modesto, CA========================================================================================
Proposition D: $100 Billion Fiscal Fiduciary Bond funding for Methamphetamine Addict Dental Work, Alpine County Elementary School Parking Lot Re-Striping, State Park Urinal Testing, Aid For Armenia, Alimony Supplementation for Gay Divorced Alcoholic Nuns with Children Below 10 Years Old, Relocating the 13 Stubborn Beavers Who Keep Damming Up The Fucking North Fork Of The Tuolumne River Just South Of Lumpville, Rural Highways Beautification Act.Text of proposition D: (To save money we have decided not to print the whopping 103 pages of text for this Proposition because the only guy who actually read these long, impenetrable things died last year.)Argument in favor of Proposition D:We need this Proposition to give just a little help to the humble people like myself who are just scraping by.
T. Boone Pickens(President of Citizens against the Establishment)~~~~
Argument against Proposition D:DON’T BE FOOLED!!! THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS!! Remember the ‘Naysayers’ who were against the folks who wanted to say NO to the YES VOTE on Proposition L which would KNOCK DOWN the fight against the passage of Proposition P and therefore trigger a new VOTE in the fight to overturn Proposition T? They’re back! Let’s say NO to those ‘YES MEN’ who think they can trick us into agreeing to fight against the ‘NO’ VOTE on Proposition B and send the opponents of this measure back to the ‘YES on Proposition G’ crowd who only want to TEAR DOWN the effort to appeal the overturning of Proposition W.
Remember: A ‘YES’ means a ‘NO’ if the ‘NO’ is a ‘NO’ to a ‘YES’ that the 'YES' was saying 'NO' to! The situation is crystal clear. No on Proposition 'D!'
Jonathan Strickman(President California Chapter of M.E.N.S.A.)========================================================================================
Proposition E: The Aid for Moldova and not Armenia , Urban Renewal, Gay Pride, Save Fred’s Donut Shop, Name a Muni Bus after Jerry Garcia Act.
Text of Proposition E: This Proposition will be null and void should Proposition D and Proposition G or only Proposition J be passed, except if Proposition L gets more votes than Proposition M in counties with populations above 150,000 that start with the letter ‘R’.The source or this Proposition is unknown and no arguments have been filed for or against it========================================================================================
Proposition F: The Let’s Stop All These Propositions Act.Note: No vote is required here since Proposition F will nullify itself if it passes and will also nullify itself if it doesn't pass. Come to think of it- why are we even telling you this? Never mind.
